Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Words cannot express how pumped I was for this film-pumped you guys! Everyone was talking crap about it and I was right there telling everyone they were crazy! I watched the specials and listened as the director talked about how this film was his childhood dream fulfilled and I was so excited to be a part of that. I thought, how could this not be good? It's all he's wanted to do his entire life! I loved the Fifth Element and sure, Lucy was terrible but the special effects were decent and there's NO way he would deliver another turd like that-no way!

Welp, I was wrong y'all. Oh so very wrong. And it hurts. No really, it was physically painful watching this and I hate having to say that. It wasn't entirely the director's fault though.  Unless he was also responsible for casting, because it's DEFINITELY that guy's fault! The acting was ATROCIOUS!!!! The main characters are suppose to be long time friends in love and you'd think they just met each other on the first day of an Asperger's convention. That was crazy harsh I know, what I'm trying to say is, there was 100% no emotion. The delivery of every line was so deadpan and grey that I really ended up hoping they'd get killed off in the end. At one point Cara Delevingne's character cries and gives this heartfelt plea to Dane DeHaan's character and I almost burst out laughing. It's literally THAT bad. Part of the problem is with the deliverance of the story. If you don't know anything about it (like me) the film is going to feel like it started in the middle of a series. The characters relationships are already established but if you don't know the story you won't get their banter or history. Apparently Dane's character is some notorious playboy but the story begins after all of that and he instead confesses his love for Cara's character and she just rolls her eyes like she's heard it all before...But we don't know that because we don't know anything about the story!

Which is awful because visually it was absolutely beautiful and they could have done so much better had they only cast a believable couple and provided better background into the characters story. They didn't even seem like they liked each other! And Clive Owen?? What a disappointment! Listen, when Rihanna is the only decent actor in your entire film, you done messed up somewhere. I'm not kidding you guys, Rihanna was great! 

But here's one of the major problems, if you saw the Fifth Element, all you're going to do is compare this to that and it simply does not hold up. The Fifth Element was cutting edge-so different-so out there-so undefinable at the time. This? Was meh. 

The director had pulled a George Lucas and had purposely waited for the technology to get better before he realized his vision. And when Avatar came out, James Cameron's technology changed the game and he thought, "great! I can finally recreate my favorite childhood tale!" But sadly it was too late. Why? Because we already had Avatar! Gorgeous visuals aren't a big deal anymore because now we expect to see them in every film. Too little too late for Luc Besson, I'm sorry to say. 

Listen, see it, for the visuals alone. But see it when it's on cable, don't pay for this. And honestly, if you haven't seen the Fifth Element, watch this and then watch that. You'll understand where I'm coming from when you do.